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Semantic Presence


One of the more disturbing of the Ancient Ones, this shaggy, fetid, unbelievably foul entity is often referred to as the "Black Goat of the Woods With a Thousand Young’, although it would appear that ‘Filthy Black Mutant Goat-Thing of the Woods With Horrendous Rank Tendril-things and Oh My God What the Hell is That’ would be a more accurate title.

No-one really knows what Shub-Niggurath is thinking about, and it seems that, so far in recorded hystory, no-one has thought to ask.

The ‘Thousand Young’ refers to Shub-Niggurath’s spontaneously-spawned offspring, greasy tentacled non-things that are part forest-creature and part hideous mistake, shambling uglifications that are worshipped and feared in various hidden locations throughout the world (three such locations are Goatswood in the UK, Bane’s Grove in the USA, and Prestonwood in Australia).  As one of the main procreators in the Outer Gods posse, Shub-Niggurath may be far more important than preternaturalists have thus far dared to speculate (Choirs, 1986), and has even been called ‘the All-Mother and wife of the the Not-to-Be-Named-One’ by some electromancers and media-archaeologists.  Only time, and more painstaking and memetically-challenging research, will tell.

Shub-Niggurath, when not spawning gross and extravagant Dark Young on the Planet Earth, spends most of its time at the center of the universe, slowly dancing and writhing around Azathoth to the post-electronica interdimensional ancient-school beats that the Ancient Ones seem to enjoy so much.

It rarely speaks in rhyme, and is totally incapable of reciting any limerick.


Taking an ad and wrecking it for personal pleasure.  Or: the Art of Cultural Resistance through Jamming and Inverting the orignal mind-control messages of the Cryptogon, eventually redefining and reclaiming one’s environment from the Corporate Beast(s) that rule everything.

You be the judge.




Like the Hypercompanies, but a tiny bit smaller.

Smoking Ritual


One of the alleged ‘ambassadors’ for the Outer Gods, Tamash (‘the Ascrutable’) is a dedicated fan of the works of Matt Groenig, and performs death-defying slights of hand that really have to be seen to be believed.   Really, he is quite the showman.  Spectacular hat-work, and what he can do with a standard white rabbit will make your hair stand on end.  

Tamash has elongated narrow eyes, long-lobed ears, long thin fingers, and is often found wearing a sparkling top hat and wielding a Ringmaster’s Vest; when not doing the dirty work of the Demon-Thing Azathoth, he enjoys hiding a small ball under one of three cups, then quickly rearranging them, and asking himself which cup hides the ball.

He always guesses correctly.  

(The) Tasmanian Rapper

One of Nyarlathotep’s earthly disguises, this apparition is a tall, lean, hairless man with skin the blackness of ebony, Caucasian features, a big hip-hop puffa jacket, and hooved feet.  This manifestation of the ‘Crawling Chaos’ is constantly Rapping, keeping it both ‘street’ and ‘wickid’, and has a Tasmanian accent.

When in Melbourne, this apparition chooses to stay at the Fogolar Furlan Bar and Bistro, Preston.

(The) Third Ear


Enjoys self-adulation almost as much as Marshall Mathers or Busta Rhymes, and is in fact the only Great Old One who has espressed overt desire to be worshipped by the modern humyn species, not content to be worshipped merely by our primal ancestors (Smith, 1932).  As well as having set up a line of designer clothing, Tsathoggua makes a lot of the fact that it is directly related to Cthulhu, Ithaqua and Hastur the Unnameable, although what precisely such a claim means is uncertain at best.

Some claim that Tsathoggua came to Earth from Saturn; others insist that a creature known only as Wuthoqquan's Bane arrived with him, although its wherabouts are unknown.  Certainly there are certain Saturnic characteristics about Tsathoggua, not least its insatiable desire for wearing enormous colourful rings.

When not on Saturn or writhing around Ashtar’Oth at the ‘centre’ of the Non Ens, Tsathoggua dwells far below the earth’s surface in that region known only as the Black Gulf of N’Kai.  There, the bulbous slug-demon spends most of its time in bloated sleep, awakening “only to accept sacrifices or answer a sorcerer's call... If he is satiated with food, he responds to visitors in a non-threatening, even friendly manner. If Tsathoggua is hungry, the would-be interviewer had better have an acceptable sacrifice ready” (Peterson, Sullivan, Wallis (et al), 1988).

Like nearly every uberdimensional Ancient Thing encountered, Tsathoggua is a constant shapeshifter, with evidence that, unlike many of its hypergalactic ‘peers’, it can voluntarily alter its form as it wishes (Fallworth, 1944).

(The) Universal MegaConspiracy

Also known as the Real World, the Way Things Are, the Status Quo, the Inevitable March of Progress, the “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Democracy”, the Cryptogon, the Swarm, the Nest, the Pinks, the Octopus, the Babylonian Brotherhood, the Normals, the Mainstream, the Bohemian Illuminati, the Keepers of Dagon, the Raelian Embassy Movement, the Normagonial Pinkapus, the Cryptostreamic Swarmatron, and the New World Order.

It is not just that all the little conspiracies that you’ve heard all your life are real; they are only the tip of the iceberg.  Sure, it all began as a joke, but the more we analysed, the more we saw.  JFK was not just assassinated by the FBI; he was rubbed out by aliens.  And the aliens aren’t just extraterrestrial, oh no; they’re extradimensional.  And they’re not just here to control our politics and mutilate our cattle; they are the same creatures who upended our evolution by breeding with us centuries ago, disguised as ‘angels’.  And they are lying to us about their reasons for doing all of this; there must be better ways to do what they say they’re doing.

The Universal MegaConspiracy is all-inclusive.  It tends to involve everything, and everyone.  It involves all the hidden tricks, traps and traditions that work to keep most of the world poor, powerless, and desperate for “more”.   It involves the Ancient Ones, and involves the space programme.  It involves saxophones and skyscrapers, cabbages and kings.  It involves all of those structures underlying and interconnecting the global political, economic and perception-management-systems currently in operation on this planet; maybe it involves the very nature of perception itself.  

The only way to deal with the Universal MegaCon is to adopt the strategy employed in the childrens’ song ‘Going on a Bear Hunt’:

“We can’t go over it (can’t go over it)

We can’t go under it (can’t go under it)

We’ll have to go through it!”

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